Smoking the pumpkin spice

Friday, September 28th, 2018

My blog password is 27 random characters. The fact that I remember it is the first miracle of this day.

On Monday, it was 94 degrees. Right now, it is 64. That, my friends, is the second miracle. I feel like a switch inside me has been flipped. This is what I plan to do today:

Buy some apples. Lots of apples. I will lie to myself about making an apple pie fully knowing it takes too long and is too much work. I will lie to others about the Sara Lee I serve after Sunday lunch.

Wear some riding boots. And a cardigan! And a scarf! So what if the high is 78 today? The high I get from layering all that shizz on will be worth it.

(Speaking of clothes, guess what is “in” for fall. Animal print. Just like every other fall for the past twenty years. It’s sort of like saying, “Coats are SO IN for winter.” Or, “bathing suits are a MUST this summer.” Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, I would like for it to stop being referred to as “this year’s trend.” Also, we need to include all animals because the non-felines are starting to get offended.)

Decorate my house with pumpkins. My entire house. Laundry room? Pumpkin. Back of the toilet? Pumpkin. Kid zoned out playing Fortnight? PUMPKIN. It’s like I’m the freaking Fall Fairy Godmother except these babies will still be here after midnight.

Replace my scorched summer plants with mums that will be dead by next weekend. They will smell funny and look okay for seven whole days!

Kick over any Christmas displays I see while out shopping for animal prints. If I see a giant inflated Santa, his ho ho ho a$$ is getting tackled. Don’t come at me with that until after Thanksgiving.

Make chili. And taco soup. And candy corn trail mix.

Gain approximately four pounds. Who cares! I’ll just throw another layer over my Spanx leather leggings then post a link so you can shop my original look! In case you are wondering (you’re not), they fit true to size… IF you are the size of a toddler. They actually fit like a sausage casing. You will have to ask for help to remove them from your body at the end of the day. I’m breaking a sweat just thinking about it. #swipeup #sponsored #ad

Smoke some pumpkin spice. Because lattes are so last year.

I have missed y’all. Happy fall!

Death and Taxes

Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

One of my resolutions for 2017 was to blog more. I feel really good about it. Unlike my other resolution… to not turn forty. I really didn’t have much choice on forty, as the alternative was a total downer.

(Before you start patting me on the back for my follow through, you should know I’m only blogging now to avoid doing my taxes.)

I started doing reformer Pilates in the last year in an attempt to strengthen my core before the osteoporosis sets in. I really enjoy it. Probably because I am horizontal through most of the class and can pretend I get to nap at the end. A few weeks after my birthday, I noticed my right leg was numb. Completely numb. I told a friend about it and she convinced me it was blood clot. After four doctor visits, blood work and a vigorous round of nerve conduction tests, I was diagnosed with a Pilates injury. I hurt my back trying to strengthen my back. My sister said that’s what I get for working out. She doesn’t, and her legs feel just fine.

Today I attended a CPE seminar at a country club here in town. I must say I got a little jealous of all the fabulous ladies drinking wine spritzers in their tennis outfits. They were probably equally jealous of the accounting and auditing update I received. Probably.

Also me: *wants to feel my leg*

I really don’t think one can be considered a trophy wife at forty. Unless one is married to an eighty year old.

Hey, as long as he can drive at night. And file his own taxes.

before the fall

Monday, September 26th, 2016

I live in Mississippi. I can handle the summer heat. Ninety-eight degrees and 110% humidity in August? Bring it.

Then the first day of fall rolls around and something inside me snaps. I’m happily scrolling through Instagram when I see someone wrapped in a blanket scarf and I spontaneously combust. Dead. It is 100 degrees here. The leaves aren’t turning. They are begging for water and mercy. If there was a “Fall in the South” candle, it would smell like body odor and defeat.

In an effort to embrace the season, I switched out my summer clothes with autumnal hued tank tops. I painted my nails almost as dark as the place I’m in. I thought about making chili but got light-headed and ate a few ice chips instead. I also tried to harvest our decorative gourds from the storage room. After ten minutes in the oppressive heat, I gave up and took another shower. Fire pits are hot. Pit marks are not.

Speaking of, we attended an afternoon SEC football game. I can only describe the experience as a glimpse into what Hell is like. Good times.

If you are experiencing lovely fall weather, you probably can’t identify. Take the lid off your pumpkin spice latte. Dump it over your head. That is how the interior of my car feels after being parked in the shade for 15 minutes. I apologize for telling you to do that. But it’s like my grandmother always said, it is just too hot to be nice. (She didn’t really say that.)

A few nights ago, there was a noise outside that sounded like a 747 landed on our house. A small animal crawled into our air conditioner condenser unit and met its fate with the fan blades. Clearly it was just trying to cool off. Or maybe it couldn’t go on living in a place with no seasons. I’m sorry if things just got real.

And then like a well-delivered punchline from God, a “cold front” is forecasted. That’s right. The highs this week are expected to be in the upper 80s.

Amen, hallelujah and get the crockpot. It’s fall y’all.

Manic Monday

Monday, August 29th, 2016

I have a lot of random things I would like to share with the internet. You love lists? ME TOO! Here we go…

1. Cookie Butter Brownies

Occasionally, I need a brownie. There are also times when standard brownie fat and calories won’t cut it. It feels a bit indulgent to call this a recipe. A more accurate description would be “modified box mix.”

IMG_9531

Prepare brownie batter according to package directions. Melt 1/2 cup cookie butter in the microwave. (Thirty seconds and stir. Continue until it reaches a pourable consistency.)

IMG_9535
Pour the melted cookie butter over the batter.

IMG_9542

Or get your kid to do it. Or do it yourself and blame your kid because it looks really messy. Bake until a wooden pick comes out clean.

IMG_9545

And all God’s people said Amen.

2. Target Top

I got this top at Target. It looks Anthopologie-ish to me and is very comfortable as far as off the shoulder tops go. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t very comfortable. I feel like a T Rex every time I wear one, but I think they are cute. I have purchased more than one, which is more than one needs when one is a CPA.

Kailey says the teeth gritting emoji is a huge happy smile.  I'm not buying it.

Kailey says the teeth gritting emoji is a huge happy smile. I’m not buying it.

3. Hot Weather Hair

I have already aired my dirty hair laundry, but this summer I have taken it to another lazy level. It is about a million degrees here, and I feel like I need another shower after blowing out my hair. After a close brush with a hairdryer related heat stroke, I decided not to do it anymore. Instead of waking up early to wash and dry my hair, I wash it at night and sleep with it damp. I follow steps one and two here, then comb it out. I add lots of Moroccanoil (ears down) and pull the front section up in a clip until I’m ready to go to bed. The next morning, all I have to do is curl a few sections with my curling wand. It doesn’t exactly (or at all) look like I just left The Drybar, but you get what you pay for people.

Disclaimer: My hair is thick and naturally wavy (aka frizzy). This method miiiiiiiight not work if your hair is fine and/or straight. If that’s the case, cooler temps are a coming. In like three more months. Hang in there.

Please share your favorite two ingredient “recipes,” Target finds and hot weather hacks. Or any other random things you’d like to share with the internet. I’d love to hear from you.