Death and Taxes

Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

One of my resolutions for 2017 was to blog more. I feel really good about it. Unlike my other resolution… to not turn forty. I really didn’t have much choice on forty, as the alternative was a total downer.

(Before you start patting me on the back for my follow through, you should know I’m only blogging now to avoid doing my taxes.)

I started doing reformer Pilates in the last year in an attempt to strengthen my core before the osteoporosis sets in. I really enjoy it. Probably because I am horizontal through most of the class and can pretend I get to nap at the end. A few weeks after my birthday, I noticed my right leg was numb. Completely numb. I told a friend about it and she convinced me it was blood clot. After four doctor visits, blood work and a vigorous round of nerve conduction tests, I was diagnosed with a Pilates injury. I hurt my back trying to strengthen my back. My sister said that’s what I get for working out. She doesn’t, and her legs feel just fine.

Today I attended a CPE seminar at a country club here in town. I must say I got a little jealous of all the fabulous ladies drinking wine spritzers in their tennis outfits. They were probably equally jealous of the accounting and auditing update I received. Probably.

Also me: *wants to feel my leg*

I really don’t think one can be considered a trophy wife at forty. Unless one is married to an eighty year old.

Hey, as long as he can drive at night. And file his own taxes.

before the fall

Monday, September 26th, 2016

I live in Mississippi. I can handle the summer heat. Ninety-eight degrees and 110% humidity in August? Bring it.

Then the first day of fall rolls around and something inside me snaps. I’m happily scrolling through Instagram when I see someone wrapped in a blanket scarf and I spontaneously combust. Dead. It is 100 degrees here. The leaves aren’t turning. They are begging for water and mercy. If there was a “Fall in the South” candle, it would smell like body odor and defeat.

In an effort to embrace the season, I switched out my summer clothes with autumnal hued tank tops. I painted my nails almost as dark as the place I’m in. I thought about making chili but got light-headed and ate a few ice chips instead. I also tried to harvest our decorative gourds from the storage room. After ten minutes in the oppressive heat, I gave up and took another shower. Fire pits are hot. Pit marks are not.

Speaking of, we attended an afternoon SEC football game. I can only describe the experience as a glimpse into what Hell is like. Good times.

If you are experiencing lovely fall weather, you probably can’t identify. Take the lid off your pumpkin spice latte. Dump it over your head. That is how the interior of my car feels after being parked in the shade for 15 minutes. I apologize for telling you to do that. But it’s like my grandmother always said, it is just too hot to be nice. (She didn’t really say that.)

A few nights ago, there was a noise outside that sounded like a 747 landed on our house. A small animal crawled into our air conditioner condenser unit and met its fate with the fan blades. Clearly it was just trying to cool off. Or maybe it couldn’t go on living in a place with no seasons. I’m sorry if things just got real.

And then like a well-delivered punchline from God, a “cold front” is forecasted. That’s right. The highs this week are expected to be in the upper 80s.

Amen, hallelujah and get the crockpot. It’s fall y’all.

Manic Monday

Monday, August 29th, 2016

I have a lot of random things I would like to share with the internet. You love lists? ME TOO! Here we go…

1. Cookie Butter Brownies

Occasionally, I need a brownie. There are also times when standard brownie fat and calories won’t cut it. It feels a bit indulgent to call this a recipe. A more accurate description would be “modified box mix.”

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Prepare brownie batter according to package directions. Melt 1/2 cup cookie butter in the microwave. (Thirty seconds and stir. Continue until it reaches a pourable consistency.)

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Pour the melted cookie butter over the batter.

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Or get your kid to do it. Or do it yourself and blame your kid because it looks really messy. Bake until a wooden pick comes out clean.

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And all God’s people said Amen.

2. Target Top

I got this top at Target. It looks Anthopologie-ish to me and is very comfortable as far as off the shoulder tops go. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t very comfortable. I feel like a T Rex every time I wear one, but I think they are cute. I have purchased more than one, which is more than one needs when one is a CPA.

Kailey says the teeth gritting emoji is a huge happy smile.  I'm not buying it.

Kailey says the teeth gritting emoji is a huge happy smile. I’m not buying it.

3. Hot Weather Hair

I have already aired my dirty hair laundry, but this summer I have taken it to another lazy level. It is about a million degrees here, and I feel like I need another shower after blowing out my hair. After a close brush with a hairdryer related heat stroke, I decided not to do it anymore. Instead of waking up early to wash and dry my hair, I wash it at night and sleep with it damp. I follow steps one and two here, then comb it out. I add lots of Moroccanoil (ears down) and pull the front section up in a clip until I’m ready to go to bed. The next morning, all I have to do is curl a few sections with my curling wand. It doesn’t exactly (or at all) look like I just left The Drybar, but you get what you pay for people.

Disclaimer: My hair is thick and naturally wavy (aka frizzy). This method miiiiiiiight not work if your hair is fine and/or straight. If that’s the case, cooler temps are a coming. In like three more months. Hang in there.

Please share your favorite two ingredient “recipes,” Target finds and hot weather hacks. Or any other random things you’d like to share with the internet. I’d love to hear from you.

Friday five

Friday, July 15th, 2016

1. Pokemon Glow

We have talked about my white legs plight before. I still use the St. Tropez self tanner but have become less and less motivated to do so. I don’t want to be mistaken for a Vanillite, so I use Vita Liberata Body Blur. It contains no self tanner (so it doesn’t smell), is waterproof and lasts for 24 hours. Some would probably categorize it as body makeup, but I like to think of it as glowtion.

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2. Listen Up

I love to read, but I’m not a casual reader. I can’t start a book and read one chapter a night. If I love it, I finish it in two days (and two sleep deprived nights). I have stacks and stacks of unfinished books. If they don’t suck me in by chapter five, they end up in my bedside book purgatory. I have every intention of finishing them when I have “more time.”

I took a solo road trip in the spring to meet some friends at the beach. I downloaded Audible to fill the time between my car-aoke sets, and I fell in love.

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I listen to books during my work commute or while waiting for baseball practice to end. Sometimes I give my Billie Holiday Pandora station a break and listen via bluetooth speaker when I am cooking or doing laundry. If you love books but don’t have time to read them, give it a try. Start with The Nightingale. Or you can just read the hardcopy in two days. It is fantastic.

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The only downside is that I have missed a couple of exits and turns while driving. But it is still safer than my car-eograpy routines.

3. PerfECTO

I thought I saw a ghost on the juice box aisle at Kroger last week. There in all its neon green glory sat a pack of Hi-C Ecto Coolers. I was embarrassingly excited as I put them in the buggy “for the boys.” Y’all. One sip and I was instantly transported to the 1980s. The high-fructose juice concentrate was all I’d remembered and more. I was forced to share, but it is for the best. I don’t want to end up looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. I’m already that white.

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4. Winner Winner

Congratulations to Robin Byrne! You won the make up gift.

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Thank you for all the kind words on my last post and for giving me another chance. It won’t be easy, but I think we can get through this. Just know that I will likely let you down again. Like only having four things for Five on Friday. Baby steps.

Check out all the FIVE on Friday posts over at A. Liz Adventures. Have a great weekend!

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