I don’t like to get a massage. Not the at home, free kind. The areyoukiddingmehowmuch? kind. But Wowie, everyone likes to go to the spa and have a nice, long massage. Not me, buddy. I hate it. I’ve had a few over the years and was not a fan. Once, I had a male massage person, and he breathed so heavily, I deserved the tip. I think that ruined it for me.

Today, I was in New Orleans, with no kids, and nothing to do. I decided to give it another shot… Still not a fan.

The entire time the massage lady was doing her thing, this loud voice in my head kept repeating crap over and over. “Did you shave your legs? Does she think you’re fat? Does she think you’re too bony? Did she wash her hands? Did they change these sheets? Does she wonder what that scar is from? Does she wonder what that tat is supposed to be?” (kidding, I don’t have a tat yet. But, I am in New Orleans…party.) On and on and on. Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. I know she didn’t give a rat’s about my scars or leg hair. I still couldn’t relax. And then she started on the feet. Loud voice started with the, “If she doesn’t stop rooting around your toes, I’m gonna kick her in the face.” Needless to say, it wasn’t a super experience. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t terrible. But, it wasn’t great either. Sort of like going to the dentist, but without the giddy gas.

happier times

I have a really, really bad memory. One reason I write this blog is so it can serve as a reminder of various things when I look back.

Dear Future Me,
I know you may be contemplating another massage. DON’T DO IT. Listen to me. You don’t like strange people touching all over you and no matter how hard you try, you CANNOT shut me up while you are lying there. Take the money and buy some new shoes… or stock. PS- You don’t like smoked salmon. Quit trying to make that work also.

Do you like getting a massage? If so, Please explain why.